Let's Dance with Mel B

Really, Mel? Really? Has it come to this? Didn't you used to be part of the biggest selling female group in the history of forever? And now you're splashing your name across whatever tepid merchandising opportunity comes your way. Shame on you. And you know what, shame on the marketing chumps who suggested this rancid excuse for a game as a worthwhile money-spinner. Because it's not worthwhile, let me tell you. Hell, it's barely passable as a game. But Mel, dear, voluptuous Mel, you're probably none the wiser to Let's Dance's myriad failures, are you - by the looks of things, you popped into the studio for an afternoon, squeezed your curves into a slinky black number, read your lines off a sheet in one take, and then buggered off home for a tub of ice cream and a good cry. But don't feel bad, I don't think the developers spent much longer on this little project than you did either.

Listen, I'm sorry, but the gloves are off. Microsoft's Kinect sensor has just recently celebrated a year in existence, and I think we've been forgiving long enough. This is technology with such vast potential, potential to change the way we experience gaming entertainment, the very essence of the man/machine interface. We've seen examples of this technology being implemented successfully, and it can be quite astounding when it's done properly. But there are still too many developers out there who are taking the piss. These people are having a laugh, at our expense as the consumer, by coughing up games like Let's Dance with Mel B - a significant assault on our intelligence and judgement as end users.

My beef isn't with dancing games, rhythm games, or the like. Dance Central is one of the most successful Kinect games, and for good reason: exceptional production values, a fantastic, ever growing tracklist, and an effective use of what the hardware has to offer. Harmonix showed what is possible when game development is built up around the user experience, not a rushed, vacuous cash-in.

Vacuous? Like you wouldn't believe. Let's Dance witth Mel B must have the most meagre body of content I've seen in a Kinect game. And we're talking about a library which includes a game where all you do is slice brightly coloured fruit with your hands like a vegan ninja of death. Load up the game, choose how many people will be playing, select a track from the flimsy little track list, flail about madly and then wait for the verbal abuse from Ms. Scary Spice once the dust settles. That's all there is to it. Sure, you could select the Survival mode which forces you to prolong the banality by giving you a couple of songs to ponce around to in a row, but when the gameplay - and I use the term "gameplay" extremely loosely here - is as pointless and uninspired as it is here, I couldn't possibly recommend that.

I have faith in Kinect, having experienced first hand how the motion sensing system can both move one (Child of Eden) and encourage one to move (Dance Central), but it's games like this that drag the whole concept down. The hardware can track movement, I've been there when it does, so why on earth does it struggle so to recognise my best jazz hands and two-step shimmy in Let's Dance? It doesn't matter whether I'm trying hard or just flopping around like a weeping willow tree, my dance ratings seem to be almost completely random. This tells me one of two things: either I have a secret talent for flamboyant, expressionistic interpretive dance, or the motion tracking in Let's Dance is close to broken.

The same developer responsible for this travesty was behind Mel B's previous Kinect-based outing, Get Fit with Mel B, but it looks like they've become lazy since then. Get Fit wasn't amazing, but it was quite rich with content - full workout calendars, nutritional information, progress trackers, customizable workout arenas - and did a pretty solid job of what it set out to do. In contrast, Let's Dance is an empty shell of a game.

The track list is terribly short, with only a handful of examples of a few genres to bounce around to, and there has been no attempt to make it accessible by adding tutorials or dance trainers. Instead you get a garish dance stage populated with lycra-clad men or women, and a row of dance queue cards pointing out which move you're meant to be doing. The cards are static, with just arrows over the silhouettes to indicate movement, so you'll spend most of the time watching the on-screen dancers to learn the embarrassing routines. On stage left, your grainy image is superimposed onto the screen with varying levels of success seemingly dependent on the lighting in the room. Watching the dance troupe shuffle and sparkle their way through 50 Cent's "In da Club", I couldn't help but wonder what 'Fiddy would have said. "I'mma bust a cap in yo asses" came to mind.

Our hostess for the party is also strangely absent from much of the Let's Dance with Mel B experience. Surely the clue should be in the name? She does strut her stuff occasionally, but most of the time we're dancing without the sassy lass, with only the repetitive voiceovers to keep us company while on the dance floor. Other than that her key involvement is to offer (rare) encouragement or (regular) derision after your sets. I handed this game over to a six year old girl, and her only real comment was that Mel B is mean. Hardly the positive reinforcement that our youth need to get them off the couch. Kitted out in the tightest dress I've ever seen out of the seedy confines of adult entertainment, Mel spends most of the time just standing there to the right of the main menu options, looking strangely nervous or uncomfortable. I imagine its because she couldn't breathe for fear of her breasts making an escape attempt out of the top of her dress.

A dull, disinterested leading lady can be overlooked (even if it's her name in lights on the cover of the box). The core problems here are far more imposing though - weak motion tracking, uninspired user feedback, bland visuals, a tiny tracklist and a distinct lack of things to do - making for a particularly joyless dance experience. If I were to be extremely forgiving, I might suggest that there could be half an hour of entertainment in there somewhere, were you to sweeten the deal by making Let's Dance into some kind of debauched drinking game, but it would probably be less of a hassle just to drink ferociously and pass out in the bath. I know that this won't be the end of half-arsed Kinect rhythm games, but I live in the hope that for every cartload of trivial nonsense like this, we get one gem that reminds us just what Kinect is capable of.

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